Conan and the Young Warriors

I seem to remember a Conan the Adventurer spinoff – was that just a horrible nightmare?

I’m so sorry, but Conan & The Young Warriors actually happened.

What was it about?

Mitra, give me strength… Conan the Babysitter and the Young Warriors takes place after the conclusion of Conan the Adventurer. After Conan vanquished the machinations of Wrath-Amon and banished Set to the Abyss forever (I need a painkiller right now), it seemed his adventuring days were over, and he planned to settle down back home in Cimmeria. Luckily, this astronomical deviation from the canon is averted as he takes on a different astronomical deviation from the canon, as he is tasked to train three “chosen ones” blessed with mysterious powers into becoming mighty warriors, so they will one day be ready to rule over all of Hyboria.

You’re making this up.

I wouldn’t even try to make this up.

So, who are these three warriors?

They’re kids.

… You said you weren’t making this up!

I’m not. I really wish I wasn’t, but I am not.

Well, who are they?

The eldest, Draegen, was raised in Aquilonia. His super duper magical star stone is worn in his headband, and it allows him to put on a magic suit of armour: his favoured weapon is the whip. The middle child, Brynne, was raised as a thief in Zamora. Her mega awesome magical star stone is worn on a ring, and lets her cast illusions: her chosen weapon is the bow. The littlest, Navah, was raised by the Eagle Picts–I swear to Set–and he has a pet mongoose called Tiki. His groovy woovy timey wimey star stone is worn in an amulet, and lets him take control of animals; his weapon of choice is the sling. Oh, and they’re all adorable, blonde, blue-eyed little tykes.

… So, to recap, Conan has to train three kids to become the rulers of Hyboria.

Yup.

But Conan’s going to become King of Aquilonia.

Right.

… Meaning that he’s essentially training one of these kids to usurp him.

Aye.

And one of these blond, blue-eyed Hyborian kids was raised by Picts.

Yeah.

Picts, who make a point of killing any non-Pict they see in their lands.

Indeed.

And he has a pet mongoose.

Got it.

I’m trying very hard not to dash my brains out against the wall.

If I had to suffer through this, so are you.

Well, there has to be some sort of silver lining — is Needle in it?

No, thank Crom, but trust me, the kids do more than enough irritating to make up for his absence.

Well, if Wrath-Amon has been defeated, who’s the bad guy?

Sulinara.

Who?

Some evil sorceress who wants to take over the world, of course.  She’s notable for being half-Serpent Man, which the writers take entirely too literally, since her left hand is green and scaly, while her left eye has a slit pupil. Making her a bilateral Human-Serpent Person hybrid. Which is as ridiculous as it sounds.

What Robert E. Howard story did she appear in?

Please, this is difficult enough for me to get through without you teasing me.

Sorry, sorry. So, any other characters I should know about?

Well, there’s Graak, a big green winged demon thingy who’s bound to Sulinara through some demonic pact, voiced by Michael Donovan.

Oh, hey, at least they have the same voice actor for Conan!

Except they don’t.

Huh?

In this series, Conan is voiced by Phil Hayes.

… But they already have Michael Donovan on the show!

Yeah.

And he’s voicing a regular character!

I know.

So why on earth isn’t he playing Conan?

I have no idea whatsoever.

Does Hayes at least sound like Michael Donovan?

Not really: he sounds, if anything, like a younger Conan, despite the series obviously being set after Conan the Adventurer. And to add insult to injury, Graak just sounds like Conan anyway.

… That’s ridiculous! It’s like bringing back Pete Cullen in Transformers, but not having him voice Optimus Prime, and instead voicing some other character who sounds just like Optimus Prime, while Optimus Prime sounds like – I dunno – Cliffjumper or something!

It is all those things.